Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
