got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
