bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
