I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
