so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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