it wasn't lemon gatorade
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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