She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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