2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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