We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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