if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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