the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
