i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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