i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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