You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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