Your face is a jimmy john
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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