They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
