I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
