Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
