What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
