Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize