How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
