i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
