First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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