So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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