she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
