Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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