Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
