I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
