I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize