I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
