and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
