I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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