I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
