Non-Jews are for practice
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
