he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
