those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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