You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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