I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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