We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
