Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
