The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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