you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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