I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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