His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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