I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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