My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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