im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
