The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
