remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
