i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
