if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
