Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
