I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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