So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
