saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
