u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
