the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
