I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
