hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
