last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
