he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
