Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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